Wednesday, December 29, 2010

New Year's Night '05-'06

6:30 PM, Baba's Ashram.
My phone was ringing. It was Dad asking me to be home asap.He wanted it that we spend new year together as family. Bah Humbug! I took a quick swig from the
beer bottle I was holding and passed it on to Gas. I told the boys I would be leaving now and would return later at night... probably after 12. 
Nobody had an idea about how much booze we were going to buy. And everyone seemed to have their own ideas. I tried to convince the boys to keep some booze aside for me. They tried to
convince me back saying -"Stay Gay Stay!", which came out exactly like how it reads and had/has too many connotations.  I gave my contri to Paneri sensing that he would be the only
sensible person around and left the room.
It was going to be one havoc party there in the room and I had to miss it thanks to family. What crap. I knew I was going to miss the best part of the party. Every party rides out
like a wave... it builds up and then comes crashing down. You need to be there for the build up. Else it's no use.
And it was with a very heavy heart that I left the ashram. We went out for dinner somewhere that night... the 4 of us. But my mind was with the happenings in the room. God... there
better be booze for me when I get back or I'll murder those mo-fo's.
We reached home after mid-night... cut cake together(an old family thing we do every new year). I then changed in to T-shirt and shorts and zoomed out of the house as fast as I
could. I could feel Dad's eyes on me... but I didn't give a damn.
I reached the room and the door opened... the first sight I saw was of a bucket and Kulla's head coming out of it. He was smashed and had just puked in to the bucket. He grinned at
me as I passed him and said..."Happy New Year Machan!" and then crashed. Already the first casualty of the night had happened and I hadn't even started!
Everybody came to give me a hug for New Year and I knew then and there that everybody was blown. Mani came, looked at me with those chinky eyes(which he gets when he's smashed!) gave
me a hug, wished me and then rushed to the bathroom to puke. I was thinking to myself- fuck, now Mani's going down too... Dammit!
I found myself a place in one corner. Baba poured a drink for me, there was still lots of that left thankfully... Baba and Paneri were the only slightly stable guys there. I took out
4 packets of Wills from my pocket, which I'd bought on the way, and dropped it between them. And the look in Baba and Paneri's eyes said it all... I could have written them a blank
cheque, given them a flight ticket to any where in the world, brought a super hot chick for them... but at that moment, there was nothing more important to them than having enough
fags for the night, and it showed through the glow in their eyes and their broad smiles.
Mani came out to where we were sitting... wiped his mouth with the back of his hands and said to Paneri-"Abey Peg bana bey!".
Paneri very dutifully made the peg and gave it to him... Mani looked at it and said disgustedly--"Abey pickle  kaun dega??? Tera Baap???".
Paneri looked away sheepishly. He took a sachet of lime pickle, opened it for Mani... who was waiting patiently while all this was happening...and gave it to him. Mani took a large
swig of Vodka from his glass and bit in to the pickle sachet.
It was like you'd set fire to a highly inflammable substance... Mani just took off!  He first changed the CD on the player to -"Hindi Music". He came to the center of the room... on
the mattress... and converted it in to a dance floor.  Kulla was lying dead in one corner of this same mattress by the way. Rasa followed Mani's leads and they both pulled their
"Dance Guru" Paneri to the center of the room and begged him to show the true path once again.
So Paneri started- "Remember boys... anyone who can do ordinary things can dance!"
He went on..." First you must start the scooter"... and he was kick-starting his imaginary scooter and Mani and Rasa were following him. "Then you must turn on the tap with your
right hand". So they were now kick-starting their imaginary scooters and turning on their imaginary taps at the same time. "And now finally... you must fix the bulb with your left
hand".  So to add to their previous movement they were now fixing their imaginary bulbs. 

Someone once said that from one great idea flows many other great ideas. And so it was... Paneri, Mani and Rasa discovered that they could convert many simple things in to dance
steps. Combing your hair, brushing your teeth, tying your shoe-laces, fixing a drink(which they actually performed and not just imagined!), putting on clothes, etc.

Baba got a call from Buddi. Buddi was in town for New Years and had nothing to do. Baba called him over... but Buddi was hesitating saying..."Machan I don't know any one there da!".
To which Baba replied..."What non-sense you have an old friend here"... I expected Baba to say my name but Baba said.."Old Monk!" I guess that did the trick because Buddi was there in 15 min flat.

So Buddi and me were starting on almost the same level there. I had had just one peg before he came. Buddi walked in to a room that was on fire. Buddi couldn't take his eyes off Mani. "Machan, is that our Mani?"- he kept asking me. "Machan I can't believe it da... what he was like in school... now see him!" And then..."Machan... I want to be in that state
da... that level da...let's drink fast so we can get there sooner!". I okayed that proposal. So we drank 3 neat shots one after the other and we were both happy.

But there was no matching Mani and Rasa... even the great dance guru Shri Paneri had to bow down and submit to their energy. Perfect case of the disciples going ahead of their
teacher. I made a peg for Paneri as he took a breather and surveyed his wards with a proud glint in his eyes.
Being the more stable guy there I was made de-facto in charge of the bar. I was making pegs for everybody. Mahadeo was lying down with his back against the trunk on which I was
sitting. He was clearly blown. He was like that even before I got there and couldn't even get up to greet me... he was clearly sloshed. I tried to talk him in to another drink but he
refused. He was like- "no machan... I'm finished." Suddenly Baba comes in behind me and takes the drink I'd made from my hand and gives it to Mahadeo and says- "drink". And Mahadeo
drinks. Then Baba points at Mani and Rasa and says- "now go dance". And Mahadeo gets up and starts dancing. Baba- thou art thy holy one!
Rasa came to me and said..."Machan make me my sixth peg da". So I made a large rum, with pepsi and some water and gave it to him. He had it one gulp and said..."machan... that was
only pepsi da... make one nice one". So this time I made one with water and gave it to him and again he downed it one gulp and said" machan... that was small da... please give me one
nice peg... my sixth peg." I was fed up. I poured one large and gave it to him neat. He gulped that down too in one shot and said-"machan what is this machan... make me one nice peg
da... give me my sixth peg da". I told him to fuck off and make it himself. This he couldn't do, he was too blown. So he kept asking everyone around to make him a "sixth peg". Some
obliged... but Rasa was still not satisfied... he'd go in between dances and ask everyone and anyone to "please give me my sixth peg!" and then continue with his dancing once again.
Kulla woke up in between because somebody had stamped him... he saw Mani, Rasa and Mahadeo putting on their imaginary chaddis and collapsed again. I guess he thought he was dreaming.
Jabbu... ah Jabbu... now Jabbu is a guy who takes his drinking very seriously. Matlab... he gets serious when he drinks. This is against every known convention but then Jabbu is
"hatke!". Jabbu was sitting in one corner, slowly sipping his drink and watching Mani and Rasa murder all the great songs of the time. He couldn't stand it. His blood boiled... he
got up...pushed everyone from the dance floor and showed everyone how to exactly do it. He was classy, his moves were crisp, beautiful and aesthetic. He stopped, expecting everyone to
burst in to applause... instead all he got was Mani's- "Chal hat!".
And Mani, Rasa, Mahadeo, Baba, Buddi, Paneri and myself were back to doing "simple ordinary dancing".Jabbu couldn't stand it. He decided he needed to be away from the crowd. He asked
me for my phone and went out. He came back saying-" Machan talked to one super hot chick now machan!". I said-"good for you!" He was like "get me Rasa's phone." I was like- "what
happened to mine?". "Balance over machan!"- he said. Bastard!
Rasa's balance too got over. Then Jabbu turned to Mani and asked him where his phone is... Mani did one exaggerated dance move and pointed to a phone lying in the corner(all this to
the rhythm of the music!). Jabbu picked it up and left. Mani came to me and said-"Gay that was Baba's phone!", and we both laughed our asses out. "And you know what's the best
part?"- Mani asked me. I told him I didn't know. "Baba's is a post paid connection!". I laughed so much my stomach hurt.
Beta Gas entered the room. He'd gone for mid-night mass. And he wanted to attend another mass at 7 in the morning again. In between he wanted to get sloshed and ended up in the
ashram. Rasa was the first one to greet him- "Happy New Year Machan... please give my sixth peg!". Gas was stunned.
Poor Rasa... no one was giving him his "sixth peg!". He'd exhausted all his options. He didn't remember asking Jabbu though. Jabbu of course was busy exhausting every one's phone
balances. But now the great problem... Rasa was so blown he couldn't make out who Jabbu was. In fact he couldn't make out anyone. He came to me and said- "Jabbu, give me my sixth peg
Jabbu!". I told him to fuck off. He repeated this with everyone in the room. Even to the extent of waking poor Kulla and asking "Jabbu, give me my sixth peg!".
Jabbu walked in a little later and was observing Rasa's indiscretions. He was getting very very very angry. He decided enough was enough... he caught Rasa by the collar and told
him-" listen mother fucker... this is Jabbu here and I'm telling you to go to sleep". Rasa looks at Jabbu intently for about 5 seconds. Then he turned to Gas sitting on his left and
says- "Jabbu sixth peg?". Jabbu gave up.
Mani beta collapsed suddenly. I guess the booze effect had worn out and he realized he had been dancing non-stop for abt 4 hours. Mahadeo also crashed. So the party had gotten a bit
silent and Rasa was really creating a nuisance. Baba caught Rasa and told him "Rasa, come I'll tell you a story" and took him along laid him down and put him to sleep. Baba... Baba
aap mahaan ho!

Buddi was just warming up. He needed some place to sit and all the places had already been taken. So he decided to rest with his back against Rasa's ass. We told him to be careful we
didn't want that bugger to get up and cause us trouble again. Buddi was like- " Bull shit this guy's going to get up any time now" and whacked Rasa's ass so fucking hard to prove his
point. Not a sound from Rasa. "See"- Buddi said with finality.
Buddi continued- "when I came here... I thought I didn't know any of you... but now... I feel like I've known all of you all my life Machan!"
We all did a cheers to that. Buddi- "Machan... this is what I actually am Machan... not that fucking Disco/clubbing and all that hi-fi bull shit. I'm this... I'm a bastard!". One
more cheers to Buddi.
"Machan....Manipal SUCKS!"
Jabbu- "Manipal doesn't suck."
Buddi- "How the fuck do you know? I'm from there... I know... Manipal SUCKS!"
Jabbu- "K..K.. Manipal Sucks."
Buddi- "Who told you Manipal sucks? Ah? Bastard... I'm from there... Manipal doesn't suck."
One by one Buddi and Gas collapsed. Jabbu, Paneri, Baba and myself were still around. It was 7. Paneri was like- "Machan... I want to hear Cat Stevens!". Baba got up and played Cat
Stevens. We were listening to some emotional song about a father to his son. Jabbu couldn't handle it... he konked off.
Baba was like- "Boys it's 7:30... why don't we do breakfast?". We agreed. I stepped out of the room and my world was spinning. I knew I was out and I had to lie down. I excused
myself and crashed. I got up around 10:30. All the boys had gone to the terrace to see the spectacular event so I went up too. Paneri and Baba were up there and still drinking!

That new year night was by far the best new year's I've ever had in my life. I didn't make any resolutions that night(thankfully!). But there's one promise I want to make to you guys- I will never forget you! Cheers... God Bless!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Saturday Night Live!

Well yes I'm back after a long hiatus. If you're expecting excuses then sorry you're going to be disappointed- I've run out of them!

I'm enjoying life in a new place. Well everything about the place is new( to me at least!). No one knows you... so you can give whatever build up you want about your past life and no one's the wiser(except yourself!). It's a new job (new career in fact!), new lifestyle( no more home cooked food- only bread and cornflakes for breakfast, 'meals' for lunch and 'something and anything'(read as 'soup' and 'maggi') for dinner, and small things like that.

But above all the best thing about a new place is the ability to make new friends. The first few weekends here in Cochin were excruciatingly painful. Of course it didn't help that I met with an accident and broke my hand... but that wasn't the real pain. The real pain was the emptiness of having to spend Sat night alone. I don't think I've ever done that in Chennai!

But now I have my Sat night buddies. A's a dentist- I call him Pallachi! (Mallu's and Tam's will get the pun intended- others just understand there is one!). N's a Ship Surveyor. WTF is that? Well, "it's like we give licences to ships like how RTO gives to cars"- his own words. "But isn't the license meant for the driver, in the sense, do you award licenses to the Captain and Co?" - I asked him. "No no no... you don't understand"- and he left it at that. So I can't really tell you what a Ship Surveyor is... sorry!

Anyway... two weekends back the 3 of us met up at my place and like all good boys in Mallu Land decided that we should head out for a drink. Now I'd come across this German guy 'R'- in a networking forum some time back. R seemed a friendly chap and I thought why not call him along. N & A agreed and so I called R.

It was nice(as in - entertaining!) to get directions from 'R' to his place. Mallu names(as in street names) sound so different when it comes off a German tongue.

We picked up R and headed to the Bar- wow that actually rhymes! But then the ultimate tragedy- Bars were closed because of elections and that meant our throats were going to be parched that night.

Never the mind that- we decided to head out somewhere else and get some grub. We went to a nice place and ordered food. The conversation was mainly small-talk. We were still getting used to each other I guess.  A & N were busy talking about food. R was sitting across me, listening intently and understanding nothing. Suddenly out of the blue R steers the conversation to women.

" So how zo you approach women here?"- he asked me in his thick German accent.

I smiled. "Why do you ask?"

"oh... just curious... I heard zat most marriages are zet up by the family."

"That's true! We're still conservative."

"Ummmm... ztrange!"- he said, for the first time that night.

"well things are very different here in India. Most love affairs happen in college. Kids get aroused by the freedom they get in college and most of them decide to have a crack at a relationship. But by the time college ends they realize that they're incompatible and they just end it. Then it's the arranged marriage route"- I tried explaining.

"Ummmm... ztrange!"

"Do you have a girl in Germany?"- N enquired.

"Not any more! I broke up before coming to India!"- he smiled.

"Ah.. so you want to try some chick here eh?" A nudged R and smiled.

"Well yes... but the choice iz poor here!"- R said. And for a moment we were all stunned.

"Well maybe we have different tastes"- I tried explaining. (Indian women- please note that it was I who stood up for all of you!)

"No no... you should see girls in Germany. They come from all countries. Very beautiful girls!"- R said.

*A little of track here. Yes I looked in to R's facebook profile and checked out all his "hot" friends. And they really are "hot"! You think I'm a pervert for doing so? Well yes I am. I've checked most "hot" profiles on FB. I'm not apologetic about it at all. If you- who is reading this- consider yourself "hot', then rest assured that I have either checked your profile already or will be doing so in the near future! Amen!

"So how zo you approach girlz here?"- he asked again.

"Well you can't be direct here... you've got to be tactful."- I said.

"In the zenze?"

"Like how would you approach a girl in Germany?"

"Well... I zee her in ze Pub and approach her and azk her if she would like a drink. Then we get talking and... you know... exchange phone no'z before we leave".

"Ah... that wouldn't work here!"

"Why not?"

"Because girls here don't like their guys being too direct. You've got to layer your approach. You've got to use tact. Like you can't ask a girl if 'she wants a drink' staright away. You've got to start the conversation with something else. Like maybe the music playing in the club. Or maybe talk about one of her friends or your friends. The direct approach is a no no!"

"Ummmm.... ztrange"

"Yes... do you have your eyes on anyone?" I enquired.

"Ummm... yes... there iz a girl in the bus stand... she'z very pretty!"

"Indian?"- A enquired.

"Yes"- R answered.

"Hey for you it will be very easy man. You're white guy. Girls will be ready to help you."- N offered.

"Really? Zo what should I do?"

"Just go to the bus stop tomorrow and ask her where the bus to some place is. Then ask her to show you which bus it is and get in to it."- N said.

"But I already know which bus to take!"- R said.

"Doesn't matter. Ask anyway... it's a good way to start a conversation. Then next day when she sees you- smile! She'll hopefully smile back. Enquire after her and start a conversation slowly. Maybe you could take it some place slowly."
- I said.

"Ummmm.... ztrange! But zat is very slow yes? I'm here only for 9 months. Will I be able to get this girl before that?"

A cupped his shoulders in a way of offering his condolences and nodded in the negative.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

The 10 things!

Ah.... a Tag after a long time. I've been tagged my Mind Writer and I decided that it's been long and so I must comply.

CAUTION: Read at your own Risk!

Disclaimer: Mutual fund investments are subject to market risk. Reading this post may/can/will subject you to mental torture, agony, trauma, etc far beyond any mutual fund investment risk. It is suggested that you put the Ambulance no on your mobile ready to dial before reading this post.

If you've reached here... then I admire your bravery. Also I think you are an extreme risk-taker and no one should ever give you any insurance.

Well so here we go...

10 Things You Didn't Know About Me!

1. I am the guy in the previous post.
2. I am looking forward to getting married-so I can take a lot of dowry and live happily ever after. Besides, it's always nice to have someone else do the cleaning, laundry and cooking.
3. Rajnikanth once asked me to act in a movie with him... but I decided it wouldn't be fair to let the super-star play the role of a side-kick, and so I refused.
4. Vijay Mallya consults with me before hiring girls for Kingfisher Airlines and for the Kingfisher Calendar.
5. Karan Johar was in love with my friend Issam. He wanted him to change his name to KISSAM. But Issam refused and the love story died. It's in revenge that KJ makes all those sad movies.
6. Priyanka (Chopra), Deepika (Padukone) and Sonam(Kapoor) don't get along well because at one time they all had a crush on me. In fact my sources tell me that they still have strong feelings for me.
7. Barack Obama has to ask my permission before he says- "Yes We Can!"
8.  The world is bullish on India because I stay here.
9. I am the 'Man of your dreams', if you are a girl. And the 'Man you dream to be', if you are a guy.
10. I am very ambigous. I could be telling the truth, or I could be lying. You never know.

You can now dial the number on your mobile. Thank you.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

My Big Day!

It was going to be the biggest day of my life. I had everything planned to the last detail and had spent the better part of 2 weeks planning this day. What was I going to do? I was going to propose Sylvia, my girl-friend of the past 5 months.

A Brief about Syliva: We met each other at an acquaintance’s place. She was new to Chennai (and smoking hot!) and so I offered to be her guide around the place. It was clear to her that there was a romantic side to this overture and she seemed to consent. We soon started dating.
Our first kiss was on the sofa in her apartment after our 3rd date (she lives alone which is very convenient). We made love for the first time at the end of the 4th date (also on the sofa in her apartment). And it’s been bliss ever since!

Sylvia is a language instructor. She is hot! She teaches French at the Alliance Francais. She is hot! She’s actually from Mauritius. She left her folks because of some problems and decided to move to some place else and be on her own. Luckily for me she decided on Chennai. And she is hot!

Sylvia is the first woman I’ve ever made love to. I was a virgin till 137 days ago.

Most people think that 25 is too old to be losing your virginity. But I didn’t think I was the pre-marital sex type. In fact the guys tease me about how I used to lecture them when they ‘enlightened’ me of their affairs. I don’t feel bad about it. I realize now that my virginity wasn’t a matter of principles but was actually a lack of opportunity. In fact I kind of feel ‘cool’ and 'with it' for once in my life. Now guys are talking about me like how I used to talk about them. They must be envious of me like how I used to envy them. Life has come a full circle.

Sylvia- you’ve made me cool. Sylvia- you’ve made me a man. Sylvia- you’ve given me confidence. Sylvia- you’ve showed me the light. Sylvia-you’re sweet. Sylvia- you’re intelligent. Sylvia- you’re funny. Sylvia- you’re hot! Sylvia- you’re all that a man could ask for. Sylvia- you deserve only the best. Sylvia- I love you!

A girl like this comes once in your life guys. So when she comes… you better do everything possible to keep her with you forever. I decided that I wanted to marry Sylvia and I spent 2 weeks planning the perfect proposal.

Now you don’t know me too well. But if you did, then you would know that I’m thrifty (almost stingy actually!). One needs to be conscious of how much one spends (not around women of course!). I don’t make much and have to do with what I have. I used to balk at the way guys used to blow money on girls. But experience has taught me that when you are in a relationship your wallet is in the relationship too(and it better be loaded!).  

First of course I needed to purchase a ring. I’d done some research with friends and the consensus was that I should go in for a ‘diamond studded platinum ring. This was supposed to be the ‘flavor’ of the season and a guy just ‘had to’ go for it.

It was kind of intimidating as well as embarrassing for me to walk in to a jewelry shop. A guy doesn't know what he can/can't afford to look at. It's awfully emabarrassing to ask for something that looks nice and then realize later that you can't afford it. I don’t remember buying a ring(or any sort of jewelery) ever before and had absolutely no expertise in the subject. The ring was going to be(or has to be!) a very expensive affair, of that there was no doubt. But, it’s a tradition-‘A guy always proposes with a ring.

So I went in to the showroom and the sales-lady there greeted me with a fake-smile. I asked for diamond-platinum engagement rings and she showed me the whole collection.

“This is in the Rs 15,000/- to Rs 25,000 range”- she said.

Platinum looked like silver to me. In fact out of curiosity I took some silver ear-rings that were nearby and placed a ring beside it. You couldn’t tell the 2 were made from different metals (is there a conspiracy here?). Also the diamonds on the rings were very very tiny. This was going to cost me my month’s pay and I definitely deserved more.

I decided to ignore that it looked so much like silver and settled for a ring that had 4.660 g of Platinum and a single diamond- 0.095 carat (That doesn’t read like much but trust me- it is). It was a very pretty ring and I was very pleased with it. It cost me Rs 22,386/-. (I consoled myself saying-“Hell, it’s only this one time, it’s going to be worth it”)

This was my first expense for the event and I was a little hesitant at first. But once that ring was in my pocket it was like the dam had been breached. I went on a spending spree.

I didn’t want to compromise on anything and wanted it to be the perfect proposal. I was willing to do anything to get her to say “yes”.

Now I had to choose the right place to propose. After considering many places I finally settled on Bella Ciao- An Italian restaurant. I’d never taken her there before (too expensive!). It was by the beach and from the terrace you had this amazing view of the sea. Sylvia loved Italian food and so the place was a perfect choice. I’d arranged for a corner table and a private waiter for the night, and also arranged for the band to play her favorite music (Elton John, Lionel Ritchie and George Michael).

I bought Sylvia a very sexy black dress from an up-market boutique. This was going to be my present to her on the big night. I went and bought myself an expensive suit piece, shirt, tie and also a pair of shoes.

The day before the big day I went to a posh saloon and got myself a hair-cut, a facial, a manicure and a massage. I went to the florists on the day of the big date and ordered a huge bouquet to be delivered at the restaurant.

I’d exceeded the credit limit on my card and was now paying from my savings. This relationship had placed considerable strain on my financial resources- past, present and future. Well, like they say- a man has to be generous in love.

Finally, I hired a Merc E-Series taxi for the night. The driver came complete with white uniform, cap and gloves. Yes, this was going to be the night.

The taxi picked me up from my place and we went to her apartment. I went up there with a box of chocolates, a small bouquet and the dress gift-wrapped. She opened the door and was visibly surprised with the whole get up. I gave her the gifts and told her that we were going out ‘somewhere special’ and that I wanted her to wear that particular dress. She hugged me and went in to change. She took forever to get ready and I was sure we were going to miss our reservation. But when she came out looking like a billion dollars I was smiling.

We went to the restaurant. All the waiters were extremely courteous to us (no doubt expecting a huge tip at the end of the night). The flowers adorned our table. Our personal waiter adjusted our chairs for us and placed napkins on our laps. He also enquired after ‘the Madame’ and went about suggesting things from the menu and setting things up. A bottle of champagne came to our table in an ice-bucket. The band was playing ‘Hello’- by Lionel Ritchie. Everything was going perfectly according to plan.

We went about our meal very quietly making only the occasional small-talk. This was slightly unnatural. Maybe she was too surprised by everything. She hadn’t the slightest inkling of what was happening and maybe there was a sense of nervousness, I suppose, about what to expect next.

I decided to propose after dessert. So once our ‘Panetonne’ was over I whispered in the waiter’s ear to get the band to stop playing.  Lot of attention was turned to us because the waiters kept looking our way anxiously. I could have done without the attention, but you don’t always get what you want. In a way all the attention made it even more romantic.

So I took the ring from my pocket got down on one knee and said,

“Sweetheart… I know these lines are corny. But this is the best I could come up with.”

I cleared my throat and started-

“The moment I met you,
I knew my dreams could come true.
You’ve turned my life for ever,
And I want to return the favour.
I want to be beside you for life,
So will you please agree to be my wife!”

There were tears in her eyes. I took out the ring and placed it on her finger. She looked at me and she was still crying. She was crying harder and harder and then I realized that something was going wrong. This was not the ‘happy- crying’. This was the ‘sad-crying’ and my heart began to fall.

She kept saying –“Oh God! Oh God!”, and continued with her sobbing. It was quiet a scene there. Our waiter looked visibly upset. The band decided to move on and started playing some songs again. In the meanwhile, I was trying to calm her down and get some clue as to what was happening.

I caught her shoulders and said- “Darling, please stop! Tell me what is happening”.

She looked at me and she was almost choking. This wasn’t anything like I had envisaged. This was crazy.

I said- “Darling I know you’re Catholic and I’m Hindu. It doesn’t matter, we’ll find a way. I’m sure my folks will understand and even if they don’t, don’t worry. I love you. We’ll find a way.”

She kept crying. This was really crazy.

“Darling if you want we’ll go and meet your folks in Mauritius you know. I’ll tell them I love you. We’ll try and convince them. We’ll settle all the family issues. Don’t worry. We’ll handle everything”.

It didn’t stop.

“Darling, any, any problem I will solve. Baby I’m sure I can. I’ll do anything for you love. You know that.”

She went on and on. I was getting a little frustrated. It was already very embarrassing.

“Darling- is it that you don’t love me? Can you please stop crying and give me an answer. I think I deserve an answer”.

In between heavy sobs she looked at me and said- “I’ve lied to you”.

“About what? Are you already married?”

“No Ash, I’m not normal.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I mean I can’t bare children.

This was a big jolt to me. All along I had dreams of a little Ashwin and a little Sylvia that would complete our small family. So when she said this a small portion of my world collapsed.

“Why can’t you bare children? Is it a medical problem? Can it be corrected?”

“No, it can’t be corrected.”

“Look, we’ll find a way. We’ll adopt maybe and...”

She cut me mid-sentence and said-“you don’t understand Ashwin. I was not born a woman. I was born Sylvester. I had a sex-change operation and that’s how I’ve become Sylvia.”

Saturday, July 3, 2010

A Lesson from History

I consider myself fortunate in that I still have some link with the village in which my ancestors lived. My grandfather built his house there, and my grandma and uncle's family still stay in the same place.

It's a beautiful place that still retains it's historical charm. Now this is more like personal history. Stuff like- where my grand-father used to sit after his walk- or where my grandmother's family lived- the small rivulet which, back in the old days, they had to cross by swimming (back then there was no bridge as there is now). There is a statue of Mahatma Gandhi in the village school which was donated by my great-grandfather. Small stuff which make me feel very connected to this little village, though I've hardly spent any time at all there.

Like all good villages my village too has it's own history and folklore. The Shivan Temple in the village is supposed to be over 800 years old! But the most eventful and interesting bit of common history(as different from personal!) for all you folks out there will be this: Tipu Sultan had come to my village!

Yes, the story goes that the great- 'Tiger Tipu' had set foot in my little village all those many centuries back. Now Tipu Sultan, for those of you who don't know, is one of the most famous Kings from Indian History. He ruled over the state of Mysore in the late 18th century, and for long was the British's most feared enemy in India. He fought many battles with the Brits, but he lost the war and had to surrender his kingdom. And with that, the last whiff of resistance to British rule was put out.

For this reason many consider Tipu to be a great hero. There was even a television series on him that used to play on National TV. He's part of Indian Legend. But the story coming out of my village was very different.

According to folks in the village, Tipu was a ruthless plunderer who cut down/grabbed anything that came his way. He was responsible for some savage acts of brutality and one of these has actually to do with my village.

One peculiar thing about my village is that there are no Brahmins. For those of you wondering what's so peculiar about that- let me explain.  Most villages in India are organized along caste. Each caste will be represented in each village. You don't have a village of only high-caste or only low-caste people. Each caste fulfilled a particular role or duty to fit in the larger scheme of things. That's why in most villages you find that each caste will be represented.

But there are no Brahmins in my village(which hopefully now, after my explanation, you will find peculiar!). The story was that Tipu came to the village and ordered the Brahmins to convert. The Brahmins refused and, in an act of most savage brutality, he killed the whole lot of them and destroyed the main temple.

Proof that this temple existed has been found. It's on top of a hill right next to my village. It is said that in the olden days it was as famous and sacred as Sabarimala. Sabarimala has only 18 steps to climb. But this hill has 200 steps. The villagers have got together recently(recently in my village is 50 years back) and re-built the temple.

So reading the above story you will understand why I didn't admire Tipu like most others did. To me- he fit the perfect stereotype of Muslim ruler and I hated him for that. Stories and legends like that make you believe in what many of our Hindutva brigade are saying. They make your blood boil.

But this last time when I went to my village I decided to do a bit of research on the topic. I found an old book that was titled -" The History of Kakkayur". Kakkayur is incidentally my village's name. The book was in Malayalam(which I can't read) and was supposed to be very well researched. I got my 2 younger cousins to sit with me and we went through  the whole thing.

Finally we reached the legend of Tipu in Kakkayur. According to the book- Tipu never asked the Brahmins to convert. It was a devious scheme of the erstwhile Nair community(which I belong to!) to use Tipu's services and drive out the Brahmins from the village and become the most important caste. The book doesn't go in to the details of what exactly happened but just gives the brief. Oh... and the Brahmins... they didn't die... they just shifted base to a nearby place and started a village out there all on their own. This village still exists!

Oh... and the temple... it wasn't destoyed by Tipu. It was destroyed in a great fire.

So you see... everyone has their own little version of history. People bend history to suit their needs. My ancestors must have known that they were complicit in driving the Brahmins out of Kakkayur and thus decided to villify Tipu Sultan to save themselves. And that legend just passed on and on and on.

What did I learn from the whole thing? Don't jump to conclusions on history. Do your own research. Usually people are hiding something somewhere. It's for you to dig and find out.

And I'm not singling out my ancestors here, or my caste. Everyone's guilty of the same thing. At a personal/ group level we all make up stories along the way- and finally we end up believing those stories. And that's an important lesson for us to learn from history!

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Was I any Good?

"Was I any Good?"- I asked her.
She looked at me and smiled- "Your first time eh?".
I nodded.
"Hmmmm... well I usually don't reveal such stuff to my clients"
"Please... please tell me... I have to know."
"No kiddo... I can't... sorry".
She started toward the door. I got up, ran and blocked the way.
"What's this shit? You want me to call my guy?"
"Just tell me if I was good or not."
"You're wasting my time boy... in my profession, more than any, time is money and I'm not paid to give my judgement".
I took out a 100 and gave it to her. She took it and smiled.
She ruffled my hair and said- "you were absolutely fantastic boy!". Then she laughed and walked out.
Somehow I got the feeling that I'd been taken.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Counting Caste

Over the past few days parliament has been busy debating whether caste should be counted in the on-going census(they've finally decided to go ahead and do so). There seem to be deep divisions within the national parties over the issue. Quite predictably the regional caste based partied have all embraced the idea. Most of the educated middle-class will see the exercise as further vindication of their long-held belief that the political class is out to make maximum mileage of the caste issue.

Caste is a burning issue in India. The uproar and violence over the Mandal commission and the more recent OBC reservation issue only assuages that fact. As a nation we have never been comfortable with caste. It's a scar on our national psyche- one that most of us want to be rid off. But it's here and present and has manifested itself in different ways in Indian society(think matrimonial ads in newspapers!). For long our country was held back because of the deeply oppressive caste system. It was the dream of our founding fathers to get rid of it as soon as possible and with this in mind a slew of measures were introduced. We have many many schemes targeted at people from the economically and socially backward castes. But all these measures seem to have failed at creating a modern- free- casteless society.

One could argue about the merits in pursuing something that doesn't seem to have worked. But the truth is that some of these schemes have done some good work at the ground level. They've made a change in the public perception and that's a good thing. I might be unpopular for saying this- but some schemes based on caste are needed in India(presently). Sometimes social stigma can be removed only when those who govern aggressively intervene to make society more fair and inclusive.(This is especially true in a society that doesn't do enough by itself to help the down-trodden/excluded)

So when you see caste based schemes as necessary then it becomes imperative that there be data on which to base these schemes and study their effectiveness. So counting caste might be good for the planners, and if the wise voters of the land decide to do so, the success of these plans can also be measured by this. 

However, the truth is counting caste is in ways further perpetuating it. In some ways it is giving official sanctum to the centuries old social caste structures as in registering it and keeping records of it gives it more of a legality. This is something that the government should be wary of.

While counting caste itself might not be a wrong thing and might even be needed in today's India, our leaders should not forget the vision of our forefathers. If counting caste and having caste based schemes is a necessary evil of today's society then it is important to also balance policy by making effective schemes that target eradicating caste. This is the need of modern India and one hopes that our leaders will have the intelligence and heart to do the same.  

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


The 'Grand Tamasha' is finally over. And what a 'Tamasha' it was...IPL 3 has come to an end with my home team- 'Chennai Super Kings' lifting the trophy. Personally I couldn't have asked for more.

Unfortunately a bit of sheen of the victory has been lost thanks to scandals surrounding the game. Even Chennai's own Hindu newspaper decided that the IPL drama merited front page news over the victory. Such is the state of affairs right now.

I don't want to get in to the whole IPL fiasco right now. I'd like to savour the moment and highlight some of the good things of IPL 3.

The best thing of IPL 3 is that we won (pretty obvious that one). Chennai's been the most consistent team through all seasons of IPL. It was a last minute entry in to the semi-finals, but I think the team managed to win the crucial moments and that's what's made the difference.

Dhoni has been the stand-out. His whirlwind innings against Punjab, that saw Chennai enter the semis, created momentum and from then on the team dominated everyone that came it's way. A captain's knock can do that a team, and Dhoni delivered when it mattered. Even in the finals- it was Dhoni's one handed six that set the tempo for Chennai's flourish towards the end of it's batting. He's an astute leader, reads the game brilliantly and uses his resources very wisely. Opening with Ashwin has been one of his successes in the tournament and the rookie offie responded brilliantly to the challenge.

No analysis of Chennai will be complete without mentioning Suresh Raina. He has been the stand-out player of the IPL. He's matured and plays according to the situation. Most importantly he backs himself and that's what's brought him his success. He's just 24 years of age and already the leading scorer of IPL. I have no doubt that he will go down as one of the legends in IPL history.

Murali Vijay looks like the next big thing to happen to Indian cricket. His clean hitting has attracted everyone. And if he uses the opporunity that he's got he will look back at IPL 3 as the defining moment of his career. Dougie Bollinger bowled brilliantly when it mattered. His pace brought more fire-power to the bowling unit. My favourite Chennai player for this IPL has been R. Ashwin. I hated him for losing that match against Punjab. But what a turn-around he brought to his game since that. Bowling within the first 6 overs- his accurate bowling proved decisive more than once. Even in the finals- he set the tempo for Chennai in the second innings by bowling a maiden in the very first over. For me, Ashwin and Ojha are the bowlers to watch-out for in the future. They will most likely be the main-stay of our bowling attack in the years to come.

Badrinath had a good tournament, though he still doesn't look very comfortable in this format. Muralitharan bowled well in patches. I think age is finally catching up with the old wizard. Jakati provided good support in the middle, though his lack of variations made him predictable and thus a target for the sloggers. Albie Morkel has been Chennai's war-horse. He's there to bowl, bat, field and do anything and everything. He had a very good tournament and that's been a big reason for Chennai's success.

Mathai Hayden didn't have a very good tournament. His name still evokes fear in the opposition and that may have been good enough reason to play him. But he's definitely not looked like the Hayden of yore. Barring that one whirl-wind knock against Delhi there's nothing much to write home about for Hayden. It was strange to see Hayden being over-shadowed by a relative new-comer Murali Vijay. It might well turn-out to be Hayden's last IPL. He's been great for Chennai- just not in this IPL.

Chennai's Indian pace attack looked completely out-of-sorts and got hammered in most games. Balaji looks totally low on confidence. Sudip Tyagi and Gony need to work on bowling better. The other players played their bit- parts too. Hussey didn't get too much of a chance to play. I'm sure he'll be slotted in during the Champions League. Thilan Thusharra looks a genuine prospect. It was unfortunate that he couldn't play more despite peforming in the limited chances that he got.  Makhaya Ntini was wasted. I don't know why he didn't play at all- he should have been given a game atleast. Parthiv Patel, poor chap, initially he played as an opener though Dhoni was already there to keep. But with Vijay coming in to his own, the guy had to make way. Aniruddha Srikanth's cameos in the semis and finals were very important, though the performances themselves were too small to judge the guy by.

I was watching the finals with a few friends of mine and we went absolutely over-the-top when Chennai won. It was just fantastic. We are not the most flamboyant city in India. We don't have the history of Delhi or Hyderabad, nor the madness of Mumbai, nor the character of Kolkatta, nor the brazeness of Bangalore. Quite often our city is given the skip when people talk about important cities in India. It is like Chennai is the city that almost is but isn't- and it's always been so.

Last Sunday's victory was special. It was our time under the sun. Chennai now has something that everyone else had been dreaming about- Chennai is the IPL 2010 Champions! Take that everyone! : )


Sunday, March 28, 2010

Publishing Dreams

Like all good bloggers, I too dream of one day being able to write a book and getting it published. In fact blogging is actually a means to that end.

I started off trying to see what I was good at( I still don't have a clue. Creating a bit of controversy- maybe! :P). I thought blogging would help clear a lot of things in my mind. That hasn't happened the way I foresaw it. But still having over 50 followers has given me some sort of confidence.

No, but seriously, what genre of writing do you think would suit me? I've tried a few things here. Please don't say autobiography. I have a long way to go before writing that. And don't ask me to write your life story. Even a writer of formidable talent such as mine is going to find that task a little too difficult to accomplish.

Look at the scenario like this. You are given a writer(me- bad luck eh? :P) and you can ask me to write a novel/book on any topic under the sun. Remember I'm the author(I won't let you forget!). So what kind of book would it be?

Right... so you think about that and leave your answers in the comments section of this post. Now we come to the second part. Once my book is published I'll need people to buy the books so I can earn royalties. Now I come from a fairly large family(when extended). So I could easily sell about 50 books in the family itself. That's a start. Now all readers of this blog( yes, that includes you) will buy 2 copies each. Why 2? Well, check both copies for spelling mistakes. ; )

So that means around a 100 books will be sold. You, thought you would get yours for free? Ha! Don't you remember that story of the wise man who said there's no such thing as 'free-lunch'. Well, there are no free books either- at least there won't be from this wise author!

Well, let's get back to being serious. I'm sure most of you there would have thought of getting published some day. And I'm sure quite a few of you have already got stuff published. I'd be happy to learn from your experiences. What is it like? What are the procedures? Who are the big guys and small guys of the publishing world and which guys are open to new concepts and ideas? I'm sure these questions pass through most aspiring writer's minds.( not to forget the never-ending task of trying to come up with a decent enough story!)

I'd written somewhere that I wanted to get my book published by the end of this year. I have no clue if I'm going to be able to keep my target. I hope I can. I have an idea in my head and I've had it in there for sometime. I've discussed the idea(story) with a few people and the response has been generally favorable. No, I'm not going to share tid-bits here. You'll have to buy the book to find out more. Have To! : )

So hopefully someday in the not too distant future you will have a book in your shelf with Ajai Ravi Kesavan written on the cover.  Cheers to that.  : )

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Ahem Ahem!

I've been there... done that. 
Been where and done what? Disappeared, and come back promising my readers that I'd be more regular with my posts and catching up with my blog-dost's posts. But... there is only one AJai Ravi Kesavan. Thank God for that will you please. : )

Blogging sort of went in to the background. After the initial high(which lasted a year) I sort of let it run through. Sort of became complacent. I'm known for this. Most of my friends reading this post will be nodding their heads reading this and saying to themselves.."yes.. that's our AJai".

Well... I am like that. I don't like it. To be fair I have been kinda busy. Been sort of running around a lot. Doing a lot of traveling. So getting time to write was one thing.

And the biggest mistake I made was waiting for something to write. That's not good. You've just got to go with the flow sometimes. Write whatever comes to you at the moment. Like I am doing now. 

Blogging is not a high stakes game. It's an outlet. If people like your stuff... good for you. If they don't... doesn't matter. You've got to go with your flow. It's the place to experiment. To fine-tune your talent. To practice, to learn and to grow.

I thought I'd keep a day in the week for blogging... or something like that. But I don't want it to be that way. It should be more instinctive. That's better na?

So Dear Reader, if you've made it till here you're obviously someone who cares a lot. Do come back here. I hope to have something exciting for you each time. Take Care.


Monday, February 22, 2010

The Actor's Diary

Well here it is. The much awaited post is here. I can see long queues lining up outside. Wait! This is a blog post not a cinema hall!

So my dear fans, this is where I reveal all. You privileged readers get the first dope on the making of the next phenoMenon! 

K... Enough of hype. That bit should have attracted the eye-balls. 8 ). So here we go.

Well it all started with a lil write-up in the paper about auditions for a play. I called up and they asked me to come and audition. There was a fairly big crowd, people were constantly coming and going. There was the core bunch who were running the show. So I went and approached them. They gave me a small script and asked me to read from it. It was something funny. I seemed to have done quite well. I was called for the next round. I also came to know that it was a pantomime. Well, to be honest I didn't have a clue as to what that was so I came back home opened the dictionary and checked the word out. So then things started making sense.

So I went the next day and there was a huge crowd. We were all made to stand in a circle. We did some small exercises where we had to portray funny scenes in a single shot- like a photo. Then we had to mouth some funny lines and stuff like that.

Then comes the funny part- I was down with a bad bout of diarrohea. I couldn't follow up with the auditions and I thought well that's the end of that. 2 weeks later I thought well let me call up and see... maybe I'll get  tiny bitty role. Even that would be great. I called and the director said I could come over.

I did. And improv's were going on. Improv is short for improvisation. You are given a scene or a character and you have to enact it. By now we had the outline of the play so people were trying the different characters they wanted to portray. I just watched the first time. I didn't have a clue what needed to be done. After that day's proceedings the director singled me out and said that I would have to do an improv the next day.

So I went back home and I thought up an improv. I went the next day and performed it. And it went of superb. I got a real long loud applause and I was pleased as punch. I so badly wanted to portray the villain. I have written about this improv before. It's here.

So after my improv I went back and sat down with everyone. And I could hear whispers, people were saying- "you know this guy would make a fantastic Bond!".

Next day and the day after that nothing much happened. Then casting was going to be announced. There were going to be heroes, heroines, villains, the support cast etc. There were going to be 4 heroes. Superman, Harry Potter, Shaktimaan...and aloha... I became Bond... James Bond!

I love Bond. I love the movies, the books, the character everything about it. So I thought this was going to be fun. But now the problem comes. Bond is a suave, sophisticated, smart guy. We were doing a pantomime which is an over the top comedy. The two don't necessarily go with each other.

The thing with Pantomimes is that the director will tell the actors where he expects the scene to go. That's all. It's for the actors to come up with improvs by themselves. And I was having a horrid time with that. My lines wouldn't work. Quite often in the middle of a scene I wouldn't know what to do, what expression to portray. Initially thing had started of brilliantly for me... but now it was all going horribly wrong.

Oh... I forgot to add one more thing. Pantomimes have songs and dances. And I found out 2 things. 1- I'm a lousy singer. 2- I'm a lousy dancer. The dancing routines were simply terrifying. Thankfully I didn't have to sing.

You know when things have to go wrong they will. People were telling me my voice was not loud enough, my acting was pathetic, my dancing was even worse than that. I was going in to a shell and I didn't know what to do.

Everyone else was already in character. So they were coming up with their quirks. They were coming up with the spontaneous responses to situations and stuff like that. And I was totally and completely lost. I knew I'd made one big bloody mistake.

Then about 3 weeks from show time the director asked everyone to write feedback about what they felt about everything in the play. I was honest and I wrote that I was screwing up big time. The feedbacks were read out to everyone. Turns out that everyone else felt the same about me. : )

A couple of days after that the director called me aside and told me frankly that my character was not working. I agreed. He told me to come up with something quickly otherwise I'd be thrown out and they'd replace me with a professional. I was bringing the whole play down and that was not fair to the others. I agreed.

So I knew I was going to be thrown out. I was pondering on whether I should go for the show when it happens. It would be odd sitting in the audience after being a part of it for so long. On the other hand I wanted to know how the play would shape up. So I went for that day's improv with nothing to lose.

I don't know if it was the Steve Martin/ Rowan Atkinson videos I was watching, but that day my character clicked. I played a goofy Bond. A wannabe Bond. And from then on things started falling in to place. I started building rapport with my fellow actors. My character started working, our scenes started working.

I was the last guy to get in to character. Most of the scenes had come out already. So I didn't have as many lines as say the other 4 heroes. That added to my resentment initially. But later I didn't care too much about it. You see I was still a hero and that meant I would have a lot of time on stage. And dialogue is only one part of acting. More important than that is emoting. For that you have to get in to character to be able to pull it off. Now that I finally had my character I was able to emote properly and even my emotions were getting noticed. I was thrilled.

So finally the shows came. Our first show was for a school. Our whole performance was not up to the mark. It was my first time on stage. So I made more than a few mistakes. Like for eg- I would leave stage as my normal self. You can't do that. You have to leave in character. I had to leave like the goofy Bond.

Sat night show. The crowd was just awesome. I think the crowd helped me a lot. When you crack that first joke and the audience laughs... it's one of the best feelings in the world. I think I gave a good performance there.

Sunday morning I was tired. I had to run in the morning to meet a friend. Show was in the evening and night. I don't knw what but I just didn't feel right about Sunday evening show. And I didn't perform very well. No one said anything to me. But I felt it inside. I didn't have the energy. I felt I'd let myself down. I think I had too many things on my mind.

So before Sun night show I got in to costume and then I just sat on a bench just behind the auditorium and closed my eyes to everything. Guys were all coming to stare at me. I was like the "Bond Buddha!".I didn't care. I just did it. I don't believe in meditation and all generally. But that time I just felt like doing it and I did.

And I think I gave my best performance on Sunday evening. I was totally completely in character. I had energy. I didn't miss anything( at least nothing that I can remember!). It was a good show for me and most of the cast too. It was great.

So that was my acting sojourn. I had a blast. I have learnt many things about myself. I have learnt that I love acting. I have learnt to respect people who are actors. It's not as easy as it seems. It is most definitely not.

I hope I will get to do more plays in my life. Crossing my fingers. : )


Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Back from the Blast

Hi folks. I know I haven't been blogging quite as regularly as I used to. But it's only because life was getting incredibly hectic. Mornings I had to dedicate time to my work. And evenings were taken up by rehearsals. I'd get back home only by 11. And after all that running and dancing you really don't feel like sitting in front of a monitor.

The play went off really well. We did 4 shows and all were full houses. I will blog about my experience soon. But let this post be like a warm up. You know... so that I can get back in to the groove.

The crazy schedule of the past few weeks means I've not been able to do many of the things that I like doing. Blogging is one of them. Reading is another. Doing the morning sudoku, stuff like that. Small things. But things that you know... make you you or me me. Things that one enjoys doing. I mean I want to do so many things everyday of my life. But I almost never get in to any routine.

Why is it like that? Why is it so difficult to strike a balance? Life shouldn't be so complicated. Life shouldn't be about having to make a choice between 2 (or more great) options. We should be able to bake the cake and eat the whole thing too.

And the key to unlock this great mystery of life is discipline. Yes... the dreaded 'D' word. My life is one big gigantic battle with this 'D' word. And, quite frankly, I always end up having to wave the white flag.

Well, not any more I said to myself last night. I'd taken a day off after the madness of the weekend(we had the shows over the weekend). So I told myself- 'Tuesday morning and you are going to get back in to the groove and extract vengeance on D. Muhahahahahahahaha!'

I decided that I was going to get up early(by 6). Take Kasper out for his walk. Then go for a swim and then get back and get to work and...

So I got everything ready for the next morning. Put my mobile alarm for 6, my table clock alarm for six and off I went to sleep at 11. Kasper himself is an early riser.( He's been thoroughly spoilt by my folks. Gets up at 6 in the morning and all. Sheeeesh!). So in any case I had to get up early to take him out.

And so the next morning I opened my eyes and saw Kasper lying at my feet. I felt around for my mobile and looked in to the screen and realized that it had switched off- no battery. And then I finally looked in to the table clock and that had stopped at exactly 12:15. So I went in to the drawing room to look at the time. It was 8AM. Everything in the universe had conspired against me.

K... this is bit like Tom & Jerry isn't it? Me and the D. Gosh! Will somebody please change the script please. At least once please. Pleeeeech!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


Hi folks! Happy New Year to all of you. Hope you had a blast. And hope that this new year brings in lots of joy and happiness. : )
It's my first post of this new year. I thought it should be a little light-hearted one. I hope you like it.
ps: This post is complete fiction! Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. If this resmbles your life in any way do contact me. We will have lots to discuss. : ).

Scene: Son has returned home after spending the night out. He gets inside the house and without saying a word goes in to his room and goes for a bath. His mother is very upset that he's spent the night out and wants to find out what he's been up to. So she picks up his wallet and takes a look inside. She finds a condom! Below is the conversation that takes place between Mother, Father & Son. I've used M,F & S for ease of typing.

M: You know what I found when I looked inside Amit's wallet?
F: Please Lakshmi! Stop it! Give the boy his freedom. Stop snooping around.
M: Yes, give the boy his freedom! And see how he abuses that freedom! [Shows condom to Dad]
F: My God! You found that in his wallet?
F: Well, I don't know what to say or do. I feel cheated.
M: You will confront him. Don't just sit on it like you did when you found out he's been smoking.
F: Yes, it's high time we had a talk with him and made it clear that he's crossed the line.

Son enters the room.
M: You lying scoundrel! You cheat! You disgust me!
S: What's happening? What's all the fuss about?
F: We found this! [Pulls out condom]
S: Where did you find it?
M: That's not important.
S: You searched my wallet didn't you? When will you people learn to respect my privacy!
M: Respect your privacy? We gave you so much freedom. See how you've abused that freedom and betrayed us.
F: I'd like to respect your freedom son. But, I have to agree with your mother on this one.
S: I cannot agree. You have infringed on my privacy.
M: The nerve of you! You think roaming about with this[points at condom] is the right thing?
S: Well, would you rather that I not use it?
F: We are asking you to refrain from the act where you will need to use it.
S: Why? The law is cool with it. Why are you folks having such a problem with it?
M: Have you no respect for our culture? Our traditions? We brought you up to respect these things.
S: Well, my culture and traditions taught me nothing about sex. I had to find out about it on my own.
F: What do you mean?
S: Remember Dad, long time back, when I was a kid, I asked you how babies are born. And you said that the mother & father get together and pray really hard and that's how babies are born. I lived with that lie till I was 14. Only then I found out the truth!
F: Well, you were too small to understand the truth.
S: I agree. But I had to find out someday. You do want grand-children don't you?
M: My God! Look how he's talking back!
F: Lakshmi, please, let's handle this like mature adults!
S: Thanks Dad, I appreciate that. When I found out the truth I didn't confront both of you. I knew it was a sensitive topic and one that cannot be discussed with parents. I understood that. I respect that.
M: Come back to the point. So why are you carrying this thing[points to condom] in your wallet?
S: I keep it in there so because I don't want you to know about it. It's not like a pen or paper that I can keep on my table. Let's face it... sex is a sensitive topic and being too open about it is not cool. And these are the kind of things you want to hide from your folks.
M: Why must you hide anything from us?
S: Amma you want me to be completely honest with you about everything? Like should I discuss my first-night with you?
F: Son, I think you're stepping the line.
S: It's an honest question Dad. Can I discuss that with you? No na. It's inappropriate. There are some things that you need to keep hidden.
F: All right, you made your point. You can find out about sex. But where's the need to practise it?
S: Dad would you have allowed me to drive a car on the highway after reading about it? I had to practise it first and then only go on the main roads. I learnt to drive and only then did I learn what kind of car I like, how I like to drive and things like that.
M: Muruga! Look how he talks!
F: Why can't you wait and get that experience with your wife?
S: Supposing I'm bad? Or she's bad? Or we are just incompatible? Isn't it better to find out things first before going in to marriage. Marriage is a big-big commitment.
M: But what will your wife think? How will she be able to trust you?
S: I'll be honest with her. I think that's extremely important in a marriage. Similarly if she's not a virgin I'd like to know first. I'm k with it if she's not a virgin. But, I want her to be honest with me.
M: Aiyo Rama! Why didn't I die before this day!
S: Marriage has to be built on trust Ma. I've learnt this from you two only. I'm just applying it to my life.
F: Trust is important. But some traditions are too!
S: Right Dad. And so what? The astrologer will tell me if this girl will be a good mate for me? The stars will reveal if this girl is a virgin or not? Tradition or trust? Most people fake things nowadays. You know it.
M: We'll find a 'pure-girl' for you.
S: Ya right, you're going to do a full body check up on her? And Mom, these days there are corrective surgeries. You won't know the truth even after checkin her thoroughly.
F: K, let's move away from this. I want you to understand that sex is a very sensitive thing.
S: I agree Dad.
F: Yes it has many consequences. You could get your partner pregnant. You could contract sexual diseases. It could have social consequences for you and your partner.
S: I agree Dad. That's why I use a condom and that's why I'm discreet about it.

Mother and Father are stumped!