We are all born, enter childhood, then in to the teens, then we become adults and then there is old age. And finally there is Death. So many people around us.... and yet... when it comes to LIFE, there really is only one routine in it for all of us.
I know there are a gazillion philosophies out there saying LIFE is supposed to be this and that and many things. But to be frank- I just don't get it. Not at all, not one bit.
Some people say chase your bliss. Some people say sacrifice is the essence of life. Some people say it's for the future. Some people say it's your past catching up with you. All of these are conflicting and yet you feel there is some amount of cosmic truth to each of these philosophies. Having said that I still find it difficult to accept any one philosophy and really tell myself -this is the one!
Why can't things be much simpler? Or you know, why can't some higher purpose suddenly come to me and take me and grip me and give meaning and solace to my life. This takes me back to the scene in the movies where the hero is holding on to his dying father who tells him to take revenge or to grow up and be the best soldier or actor or whatever it is. And you know... that guy actually actually has something to live for.
I have a general philosophy. But somehow... it works for everyone else but me! Most of my friends come to me for advice or to seek counsel. And I base my answers on a certain understanding, and most of the times, I am being modest here, it tends to work for them. But for me... I'm still clueless as to how to apply it? What to apply it for?
I'm 24 bloody years old. I still can't figure out what I want to do with my life. One moment it's this and the other moment it's something completely different. There is frustration, anxiety and a certain panic that, you know, how long am I going to be floating around like this?
I find it extremely difficult to put anything in perspective. To be rational about things. Dreams and aspirations are never rational are they?
I had decided some time ago as to what I wanted to do. But unfortunately my folks decided that was not going to be. Then I decided on something else. But that doesn't seem to get me motivated to do what requires to be done. I know it seems simple that I should go back to the first course. But it's not that simple. Why? Well coz in someways the course that my parents have/want in mind is also something that I've wanted to achieve but gave up on.
I've tried to visualize myself 5 years in to the future. I can't see anything except that I feel helpless and stupid and that I haven't done anything with my life. I dread that. I don't want that.