Ind vs SA, WC-2011, Qualifiying round

In another tantalizingly close finish, South Africa beat India with just 3 balls to spare.  It was a thoroughly professional show by the Proteas and they richly deserved the win. As opposed to the Indians, who thoroughly deserved to lose last night’s game.

One may argue in the merits of choosing Nehra over Bhajji in that last over. It might have made a difference… we will never know. But, to me, the game was not won/lost there. Dhoni’s captaincy was good generally. He shuffled his bowlers well, was aggressive, and always ahead of things. SA batted very sensibly and everyone who came out to bat made a contribution. I think AB’s little innings was special in that it created the momentum for them to carry on. AB, by the way, is probably my favorite international cricketer now. No, the game was lost elsewhere. The Indians lost the plot while they were batting.

You cannot lose 9 wickets for 29 runs in an ODI! Not unless you are an ‘associate’ team playing against the big boys (or you are B’ldesh!).  Sachin, Sehwag and Gambhir had set the match beautifully for the Indians, only for the others to throw it all away. It was shameful. Among all the super-stars, there was not one sane head to raise his hand to be counted. No one could keep cool and work the way through the end. There is a word in English for this kind of performance- pathetic!

So who’s to blame for the batting debacle? The top 3 did their job splendidly, and are therefore out of contention for this dubious distinction. Virat Kohli is young, and has performed well in the previous games. We can excuse him for the one-off game. Yuvi similarly can be discounted on past performances in this tournament. Mr Pathan knows only one way hit the cricket ball and that is to hit it hard. There are limits to what that sort of belligerence will deliver. So that leaves only our captain dearest- Mr MSD!

Coming to think of it… when was the last time MSD finished a match for us? I can’t recollect even one from recent memory. I can’t remember a decent batting contribution from him, in all forms of the game, for a long time.  So is Mr MSD in a form slump? It appears so… and it’s badly affecting Team India’s batting.

Dhoni is the calm and serene head in the middle of the order. He handles pressure well and can be depended on to hold anchor when the storm arrives. He’s done this job with distinction but it’s been some time now since he’s delivered. India should not slump like it did that day with Dhoni around. He’s the guy who gets us out of those dreadful periods of play. But, he failed!

It’s been reported that he’s very unhappy with the batting performance from the last game. I hope he said that in a very expansive tone- to include himself. Mr. MSD needs to remove his sword from its sheath and get going.

So what’s to say of India’s bowling? The less said the better! Yes, I know I blamed India’s batting for the loss… but that’s because I have very little confidence, if at all, in India’s bowling to believe that it has the goods to win us a game by itself. Yes ZAK and Bhajji can be brilliant in periods… but Nehra and Munaf… really?

Among the top teams, India has probably the weakest bowling line up. So how do we correct it? It might be worth to give Sreesanth a try. I’m not saying that he’s better than Nehra or Munaf. But there’s a small chance that he might be in some sort of form. The other two are obviously doing nothing.

And I might be tempted to bring the extra spinner. Play only 6 batsmen even. I’m not very clear on this though… I’m just shooting off my head here.

India doesn’t look like a world cup winning squad at the moment. It’s lacking that killer instinct. It needs to deliver that knockout punch when it gets the chance. Pray that they find it soon!

New Year's Night '05-'06

6:30 PM, Baba's Ashram.
My phone was ringing. It was Dad asking me to be home asap.He wanted it that we spend new year together as family. Bah Humbug! I took a quick swig from the

beer bottle I was holding and passed it on to Gas. I told the boys I would be leaving now and would return later at night... probably after 12. 

Nobody had an idea about how much booze we were going to buy. And everyone seemed to have their own ideas. I tried to convince the boys to keep some booze aside for me. They tried to

convince me back saying -"Stay Gay Stay!", which came out exactly like how it reads and had/has too many connotations.  I gave my contri to Paneri sensing that he would be the only

sensible person around and left the room.

It was going to be one havoc party there in the room and I had to miss it thanks to family. What crap. I knew I was going to miss the best part of the party. Every party rides out

like a wave... it builds up and then comes crashing down. You need to be there for the build up. Else it's no use.

And it was with a very heavy heart that I left the ashram. We went out for dinner somewhere that night... the 4 of us. But my mind was with the happenings in the room. God... there

better be booze for me when I get back or I'll murder those mo-fo's.

We reached home after mid-night... cut cake together(an old family thing we do every new year). I then changed in to T-shirt and shorts and zoomed out of the house as fast as I

could. I could feel Dad's eyes on me... but I didn't give a damn.

I reached the room and the door opened... the first sight I saw was of a bucket and Kulla's head coming out of it. He was smashed and had just puked in to the bucket. He grinned at

me as I passed him and said..."Happy New Year Machan!" and then crashed. Already the first casualty of the night had happened and I hadn't even started!

Everybody came to give me a hug for New Year and I knew then and there that everybody was blown. Mani came, looked at me with those chinky eyes(which he gets when he's smashed!) gave

me a hug, wished me and then rushed to the bathroom to puke. I was thinking to myself- fuck, now Mani's going down too... Dammit!

I found myself a place in one corner. Baba poured a drink for me, there was still lots of that left thankfully... Baba and Paneri were the only slightly stable guys there. I took out

4 packets of Wills from my pocket, which I'd bought on the way, and dropped it between them. And the look in Baba and Paneri's eyes said it all... I could have written them a blank

cheque, given them a flight ticket to any where in the world, brought a super hot chick for them... but at that moment, there was nothing more important to them than having enough

fags for the night, and it showed through the glow in their eyes and their broad smiles.

Mani came out to where we were sitting... wiped his mouth with the back of his hands and said to Paneri-"Abey Peg bana bey!".
Paneri very dutifully made the peg and gave it to him... Mani looked at it and said disgustedly--"Abey pickle  kaun dega??? Tera Baap???".
Paneri looked away sheepishly. He took a sachet of lime pickle, opened it for Mani... who was waiting patiently while all this was happening...and gave it to him. Mani took a large

swig of Vodka from his glass and bit in to the pickle sachet.

It was like you'd set fire to a highly inflammable substance... Mani just took off!  He first changed the CD on the player to -"Hindi Music". He came to the center of the room... on

the mattress... and converted it in to a dance floor.  Kulla was lying dead in one corner of this same mattress by the way. Rasa followed Mani's leads and they both pulled their

"Dance Guru" Paneri to the center of the room and begged him to show the true path once again.

So Paneri started- "Remember boys... anyone who can do ordinary things can dance!"

He went on..." First you must start the scooter"... and he was kick-starting his imaginary scooter and Mani and Rasa were following him. "Then you must turn on the tap with your

right hand". So they were now kick-starting their imaginary scooters and turning on their imaginary taps at the same time. "And now finally... you must fix the bulb with your left

hand".  So to add to their previous movement they were now fixing their imaginary bulbs. 

Someone once said that from one great idea flows many other great ideas. And so it was... Paneri, Mani and Rasa discovered that they could convert many simple things in to dance

steps. Combing your hair, brushing your teeth, tying your shoe-laces, fixing a drink(which they actually performed and not just imagined!), putting on clothes, etc.

Baba got a call from Buddi. Buddi was in town for New Years and had nothing to do. Baba called him over... but Buddi was hesitating saying..."Machan I don't know any one there da!".

To which Baba replied..."What non-sense you have an old friend here"... I expected Baba to say my name but Baba said.."Old Monk!" I guess that did the trick because Buddi was there in 15 min flat.

So Buddi and me were starting on almost the same level there. I had had just one peg before he came. Buddi walked in to a room that was on fire. Buddi couldn't take his eyes off Mani. "Machan, is that our Mani?"- he kept asking me. "Machan I can't believe it da... what he was like in school... now see him!" And then..."Machan... I want to be in that state

da... that level da...let's drink fast so we can get there sooner!". I okayed that proposal. So we drank 3 neat shots one after the other and we were both happy.

But there was no matching Mani and Rasa... even the great dance guru Shri Paneri had to bow down and submit to their energy. Perfect case of the disciples going ahead of their

teacher. I made a peg for Paneri as he took a breather and surveyed his wards with a proud glint in his eyes.

Being the more stable guy there I was made de-facto in charge of the bar. I was making pegs for everybody. Mahadeo was lying down with his back against the trunk on which I was

sitting. He was clearly blown. He was like that even before I got there and couldn't even get up to greet me... he was clearly sloshed. I tried to talk him in to another drink but he

refused. He was like- "no machan... I'm finished." Suddenly Baba comes in behind me and takes the drink I'd made from my hand and gives it to Mahadeo and says- "drink". And Mahadeo

drinks. Then Baba points at Mani and Rasa and says- "now go dance". And Mahadeo gets up and starts dancing. Baba- thou art thy holy one!

Rasa came to me and said..."Machan make me my sixth peg da". So I made a large rum, with pepsi and some water and gave it to him. He had it one gulp and said..."machan... that was

only pepsi da... make one nice one". So this time I made one with water and gave it to him and again he downed it one gulp and said" machan... that was small da... please give me one

nice peg... my sixth peg." I was fed up. I poured one large and gave it to him neat. He gulped that down too in one shot and said-"machan what is this machan... make me one nice peg

da... give me my sixth peg da". I told him to fuck off and make it himself. This he couldn't do, he was too blown. So he kept asking everyone around to make him a "sixth peg". Some

obliged... but Rasa was still not satisfied... he'd go in between dances and ask everyone and anyone to "please give me my sixth peg!" and then continue with his dancing once again.

Kulla woke up in between because somebody had stamped him... he saw Mani, Rasa and Mahadeo putting on their imaginary chaddis and collapsed again. I guess he thought he was dreaming.

Jabbu... ah Jabbu... now Jabbu is a guy who takes his drinking very seriously. Matlab... he gets serious when he drinks. This is against every known convention but then Jabbu is

"hatke!". Jabbu was sitting in one corner, slowly sipping his drink and watching Mani and Rasa murder all the great songs of the time. He couldn't stand it. His blood boiled... he

got up...pushed everyone from the dance floor and showed everyone how to exactly do it. He was classy, his moves were crisp, beautiful and aesthetic. He stopped, expecting everyone to

burst in to applause... instead all he got was Mani's- "Chal hat!".

And Mani, Rasa, Mahadeo, Baba, Buddi, Paneri and myself were back to doing "simple ordinary dancing".Jabbu couldn't stand it. He decided he needed to be away from the crowd. He asked

me for my phone and went out. He came back saying-" Machan talked to one super hot chick now machan!". I said-"good for you!" He was like "get me Rasa's phone." I was like- "what

happened to mine?". "Balance over machan!"- he said. Bastard!

Rasa's balance too got over. Then Jabbu turned to Mani and asked him where his phone is... Mani did one exaggerated dance move and pointed to a phone lying in the corner(all this to

the rhythm of the music!). Jabbu picked it up and left. Mani came to me and said-"Gay that was Baba's phone!", and we both laughed our asses out. "And you know what's the best

part?"- Mani asked me. I told him I didn't know. "Baba's is a post paid connection!". I laughed so much my stomach hurt.

Beta Gas entered the room. He'd gone for mid-night mass. And he wanted to attend another mass at 7 in the morning again. In between he wanted to get sloshed and ended up in the

ashram. Rasa was the first one to greet him- "Happy New Year Machan... please give my sixth peg!". Gas was stunned.

Poor Rasa... no one was giving him his "sixth peg!". He'd exhausted all his options. He didn't remember asking Jabbu though. Jabbu of course was busy exhausting every one's phone

balances. But now the great problem... Rasa was so blown he couldn't make out who Jabbu was. In fact he couldn't make out anyone. He came to me and said- "Jabbu, give me my sixth peg

Jabbu!". I told him to fuck off. He repeated this with everyone in the room. Even to the extent of waking poor Kulla and asking "Jabbu, give me my sixth peg!".

Jabbu walked in a little later and was observing Rasa's indiscretions. He was getting very very very angry. He decided enough was enough... he caught Rasa by the collar and told

him-" listen mother fucker... this is Jabbu here and I'm telling you to go to sleep". Rasa looks at Jabbu intently for about 5 seconds. Then he turned to Gas sitting on his left and

says- "Jabbu sixth peg?". Jabbu gave up.

Mani beta collapsed suddenly. I guess the booze effect had worn out and he realized he had been dancing non-stop for abt 4 hours. Mahadeo also crashed. So the party had gotten a bit

silent and Rasa was really creating a nuisance. Baba caught Rasa and told him "Rasa, come I'll tell you a story" and took him along laid him down and put him to sleep. Baba... Baba

aap mahaan ho!

Buddi was just warming up. He needed some place to sit and all the places had already been taken. So he decided to rest with his back against Rasa's ass. We told him to be careful we

didn't want that bugger to get up and cause us trouble again. Buddi was like- " Bull shit this guy's going to get up any time now" and whacked Rasa's ass so fucking hard to prove his

point. Not a sound from Rasa. "See"- Buddi said with finality.

Buddi continued- "when I came here... I thought I didn't know any of you... but now... I feel like I've known all of you all my life Machan!"

We all did a cheers to that. Buddi- "Machan... this is what I actually am Machan... not that fucking Disco/clubbing and all that hi-fi bull shit. I'm this... I'm a bastard!". One

more cheers to Buddi.

"Machan....Manipal SUCKS!"

Jabbu- "Manipal doesn't suck."

Buddi- "How the fuck do you know? I'm from there... I know... Manipal SUCKS!"

Jabbu- "K..K.. Manipal Sucks."

Buddi- "Who told you Manipal sucks? Ah? Bastard... I'm from there... Manipal doesn't suck."

One by one Buddi and Gas collapsed. Jabbu, Paneri, Baba and myself were still around. It was 7. Paneri was like- "Machan... I want to hear Cat Stevens!". Baba got up and played Cat

Stevens. We were listening to some emotional song about a father to his son. Jabbu couldn't handle it... he konked off.

Baba was like- "Boys it's 7:30... why don't we do breakfast?". We agreed. I stepped out of the room and my world was spinning. I knew I was out and I had to lie down. I excused

myself and crashed. I got up around 10:30. All the boys had gone to the terrace to see the spectacular event so I went up too. Paneri and Baba were up there and still drinking!

That new year night was by far the best new year's I've ever had in my life. I didn't make any resolutions that night(thankfully!). But there's one promise I want to make to you guys- I will never forget you! Cheers... God Bless!

Saturday Night Live!

Well yes I'm back after a long hiatus. If you're expecting excuses then sorry you're going to be disappointed- I've run out of them!

I'm enjoying life in a new place. Well everything about the place is new( to me at least!). No one knows you... so you can give whatever build up you want about your past life and no one's the wiser(except yourself!). It's a new job (new career in fact!), new lifestyle( no more home cooked food- only bread and cornflakes for breakfast, 'meals' for lunch and 'something and anything'(read as 'soup' and 'maggi') for dinner, and small things like that.

But above all the best thing about a new place is the ability to make new friends. The first few weekends here in Cochin were excruciatingly painful. Of course it didn't help that I met with an accident and broke my hand... but that wasn't the real pain. The real pain was the emptiness of having to spend Sat night alone. I don't think I've ever done that in Chennai!

But now I have my Sat night buddies. A's a dentist- I call him Pallachi! (Mallu's and Tam's will get the pun intended- others just understand there is one!). N's a Ship Surveyor. WTF is that? Well, "it's like we give licences to ships like how RTO gives to cars"- his own words. "But isn't the license meant for the driver, in the sense, do you award licenses to the Captain and Co?" - I asked him. "No no no... you don't understand"- and he left it at that. So I can't really tell you what a Ship Surveyor is... sorry!

Anyway... two weekends back the 3 of us met up at my place and like all good boys in Mallu Land decided that we should head out for a drink. Now I'd come across this German guy 'R'- in a networking forum some time back. R seemed a friendly chap and I thought why not call him along. N & A agreed and so I called R.

It was nice(as in - entertaining!) to get directions from 'R' to his place. Mallu names(as in street names) sound so different when it comes off a German tongue.

We picked up R and headed to the Bar- wow that actually rhymes! But then the ultimate tragedy- Bars were closed because of elections and that meant our throats were going to be parched that night.

Never the mind that- we decided to head out somewhere else and get some grub. We went to a nice place and ordered food. The conversation was mainly small-talk. We were still getting used to each other I guess.  A & N were busy talking about food. R was sitting across me, listening intently and understanding nothing. Suddenly out of the blue R steers the conversation to women.

" So how zo you approach women here?"- he asked me in his thick German accent.

I smiled. "Why do you ask?"

"oh... just curious... I heard zat most marriages are zet up by the family."

"That's true! We're still conservative."

"Ummmm... ztrange!"- he said, for the first time that night.

"well things are very different here in India. Most love affairs happen in college. Kids get aroused by the freedom they get in college and most of them decide to have a crack at a relationship. But by the time college ends they realize that they're incompatible and they just end it. Then it's the arranged marriage route"- I tried explaining.

"Ummmm... ztrange!"

"Do you have a girl in Germany?"- N enquired.

"Not any more! I broke up before coming to India!"- he smiled.

"Ah.. so you want to try some chick here eh?" A nudged R and smiled.

"Well yes... but the choice iz poor here!"- R said. And for a moment we were all stunned.

"Well maybe we have different tastes"- I tried explaining. (Indian women- please note that it was I who stood up for all of you!)

"No no... you should see girls in Germany. They come from all countries. Very beautiful girls!"- R said.

*A little of track here. Yes I looked in to R's facebook profile and checked out all his "hot" friends. And they really are "hot"! You think I'm a pervert for doing so? Well yes I am. I've checked most "hot" profiles on FB. I'm not apologetic about it at all. If you- who is reading this- consider yourself "hot', then rest assured that I have either checked your profile already or will be doing so in the near future! Amen!

"So how zo you approach girlz here?"- he asked again.

"Well you can't be direct here... you've got to be tactful."- I said.

"In the zenze?"

"Like how would you approach a girl in Germany?"

"Well... I zee her in ze Pub and approach her and azk her if she would like a drink. Then we get talking and... you know... exchange phone no'z before we leave".

"Ah... that wouldn't work here!"

"Why not?"

"Because girls here don't like their guys being too direct. You've got to layer your approach. You've got to use tact. Like you can't ask a girl if 'she wants a drink' staright away. You've got to start the conversation with something else. Like maybe the music playing in the club. Or maybe talk about one of her friends or your friends. The direct approach is a no no!"

"Ummmm.... ztrange"

"Yes... do you have your eyes on anyone?" I enquired.

"Ummm... yes... there iz a girl in the bus stand... she'z very pretty!"

"Indian?"- A enquired.

"Yes"- R answered.

"Hey for you it will be very easy man. You're white guy. Girls will be ready to help you."- N offered.

"Really? Zo what should I do?"

"Just go to the bus stop tomorrow and ask her where the bus to some place is. Then ask her to show you which bus it is and get in to it."- N said.

"But I already know which bus to take!"- R said.

"Doesn't matter. Ask anyway... it's a good way to start a conversation. Then next day when she sees you- smile! She'll hopefully smile back. Enquire after her and start a conversation slowly. Maybe you could take it some place slowly."
- I said.

"Ummmm.... ztrange! But zat is very slow yes? I'm here only for 9 months. Will I be able to get this girl before that?"

A cupped his shoulders in a way of offering his condolences and nodded in the negative.