Saturday Night Live!

Well yes I'm back after a long hiatus. If you're expecting excuses then sorry you're going to be disappointed- I've run out of them!

I'm enjoying life in a new place. Well everything about the place is new( to me at least!). No one knows you... so you can give whatever build up you want about your past life and no one's the wiser(except yourself!). It's a new job (new career in fact!), new lifestyle( no more home cooked food- only bread and cornflakes for breakfast, 'meals' for lunch and 'something and anything'(read as 'soup' and 'maggi') for dinner, and small things like that.

But above all the best thing about a new place is the ability to make new friends. The first few weekends here in Cochin were excruciatingly painful. Of course it didn't help that I met with an accident and broke my hand... but that wasn't the real pain. The real pain was the emptiness of having to spend Sat night alone. I don't think I've ever done that in Chennai!

But now I have my Sat night buddies. A's a dentist- I call him Pallachi! (Mallu's and Tam's will get the pun intended- others just understand there is one!). N's a Ship Surveyor. WTF is that? Well, "it's like we give licences to ships like how RTO gives to cars"- his own words. "But isn't the license meant for the driver, in the sense, do you award licenses to the Captain and Co?" - I asked him. "No no no... you don't understand"- and he left it at that. So I can't really tell you what a Ship Surveyor is... sorry!

Anyway... two weekends back the 3 of us met up at my place and like all good boys in Mallu Land decided that we should head out for a drink. Now I'd come across this German guy 'R'- in a networking forum some time back. R seemed a friendly chap and I thought why not call him along. N & A agreed and so I called R.

It was nice(as in - entertaining!) to get directions from 'R' to his place. Mallu names(as in street names) sound so different when it comes off a German tongue.

We picked up R and headed to the Bar- wow that actually rhymes! But then the ultimate tragedy- Bars were closed because of elections and that meant our throats were going to be parched that night.

Never the mind that- we decided to head out somewhere else and get some grub. We went to a nice place and ordered food. The conversation was mainly small-talk. We were still getting used to each other I guess.  A & N were busy talking about food. R was sitting across me, listening intently and understanding nothing. Suddenly out of the blue R steers the conversation to women.

" So how zo you approach women here?"- he asked me in his thick German accent.

I smiled. "Why do you ask?"

"oh... just curious... I heard zat most marriages are zet up by the family."

"That's true! We're still conservative."

"Ummmm... ztrange!"- he said, for the first time that night.

"well things are very different here in India. Most love affairs happen in college. Kids get aroused by the freedom they get in college and most of them decide to have a crack at a relationship. But by the time college ends they realize that they're incompatible and they just end it. Then it's the arranged marriage route"- I tried explaining.

"Ummmm... ztrange!"

"Do you have a girl in Germany?"- N enquired.

"Not any more! I broke up before coming to India!"- he smiled.

"Ah.. so you want to try some chick here eh?" A nudged R and smiled.

"Well yes... but the choice iz poor here!"- R said. And for a moment we were all stunned.

"Well maybe we have different tastes"- I tried explaining. (Indian women- please note that it was I who stood up for all of you!)

"No no... you should see girls in Germany. They come from all countries. Very beautiful girls!"- R said.

*A little of track here. Yes I looked in to R's facebook profile and checked out all his "hot" friends. And they really are "hot"! You think I'm a pervert for doing so? Well yes I am. I've checked most "hot" profiles on FB. I'm not apologetic about it at all. If you- who is reading this- consider yourself "hot', then rest assured that I have either checked your profile already or will be doing so in the near future! Amen!

"So how zo you approach girlz here?"- he asked again.

"Well you can't be direct here... you've got to be tactful."- I said.

"In the zenze?"

"Like how would you approach a girl in Germany?"

"Well... I zee her in ze Pub and approach her and azk her if she would like a drink. Then we get talking and... you know... exchange phone no'z before we leave".

"Ah... that wouldn't work here!"

"Why not?"

"Because girls here don't like their guys being too direct. You've got to layer your approach. You've got to use tact. Like you can't ask a girl if 'she wants a drink' staright away. You've got to start the conversation with something else. Like maybe the music playing in the club. Or maybe talk about one of her friends or your friends. The direct approach is a no no!"

"Ummmm.... ztrange"

"Yes... do you have your eyes on anyone?" I enquired.

"Ummm... yes... there iz a girl in the bus stand... she'z very pretty!"

"Indian?"- A enquired.

"Yes"- R answered.

"Hey for you it will be very easy man. You're white guy. Girls will be ready to help you."- N offered.

"Really? Zo what should I do?"

"Just go to the bus stop tomorrow and ask her where the bus to some place is. Then ask her to show you which bus it is and get in to it."- N said.

"But I already know which bus to take!"- R said.

"Doesn't matter. Ask anyway... it's a good way to start a conversation. Then next day when she sees you- smile! She'll hopefully smile back. Enquire after her and start a conversation slowly. Maybe you could take it some place slowly."
- I said.

"Ummmm.... ztrange! But zat is very slow yes? I'm here only for 9 months. Will I be able to get this girl before that?"

A cupped his shoulders in a way of offering his condolences and nodded in the negative.

The 10 things!

Ah.... a Tag after a long time. I've been tagged my Mind Writer and I decided that it's been long and so I must comply.

CAUTION: Read at your own Risk!

Disclaimer: Mutual fund investments are subject to market risk. Reading this post may/can/will subject you to mental torture, agony, trauma, etc far beyond any mutual fund investment risk. It is suggested that you put the Ambulance no on your mobile ready to dial before reading this post.


If you've reached here... then I admire your bravery. Also I think you are an extreme risk-taker and no one should ever give you any insurance.

Well so here we go...

10 Things You Didn't Know About Me!

1. I am the guy in the previous post.
2. I am looking forward to getting married-so I can take a lot of dowry and live happily ever after. Besides, it's always nice to have someone else do the cleaning, laundry and cooking.
3. Rajnikanth once asked me to act in a movie with him... but I decided it wouldn't be fair to let the super-star play the role of a side-kick, and so I refused.
4. Vijay Mallya consults with me before hiring girls for Kingfisher Airlines and for the Kingfisher Calendar.
5. Karan Johar was in love with my friend Issam. He wanted him to change his name to KISSAM. But Issam refused and the love story died. It's in revenge that KJ makes all those sad movies.
6. Priyanka (Chopra), Deepika (Padukone) and Sonam(Kapoor) don't get along well because at one time they all had a crush on me. In fact my sources tell me that they still have strong feelings for me.
7. Barack Obama has to ask my permission before he says- "Yes We Can!"
8.  The world is bullish on India because I stay here.
9. I am the 'Man of your dreams', if you are a girl. And the 'Man you dream to be', if you are a guy.
10. I am very ambigous. I could be telling the truth, or I could be lying. You never know.

You can now dial the number on your mobile. Thank you.

My Big Day!

It was going to be the biggest day of my life. I had everything planned to the last detail and had spent the better part of 2 weeks planning this day. What was I going to do? I was going to propose Sylvia, my girl-friend of the past 5 months.

A Brief about Syliva: We met each other at an acquaintance’s place. She was new to Chennai (and smoking hot!) and so I offered to be her guide around the place. It was clear to her that there was a romantic side to this overture and she seemed to consent. We soon started dating.

 

Our first kiss was on the sofa in her apartment after our 3^rd date (she lives alone which is very convenient). We made love for the first time at the end of the 4^th date (also on the sofa in her apartment). And it’s been bliss ever since!

Sylvia is a language instructor. She is hot! She teaches French at the Alliance Francais. She is hot! She’s actually from Mauritius. She left her folks because of some problems and decided to move to some place else and be on her own. Luckily for me she decided on Chennai. And she is hot!

Sylvia is the first woman I’ve ever made love to. I was a virgin till 137 days ago.

Most people think that 25 is too old to be losing your virginity. But I didn’t think I was the pre-marital sex type. In fact the guys tease me about how I used to lecture them when they ‘enlightened’ me of their affairs. I don’t feel bad about it. I realize now that my virginity wasn’t a matter of principles but was actually a lack of opportunity. In fact I kind of feel ‘cool’ and 'with it' for once in my life. Now guys are talking about me like how I used to talk about them. They must be envious of me like how I used to envy them. Life has come a full circle.

Sylvia- you’ve made me cool. Sylvia- you’ve made me a man. Sylvia- you’ve given me confidence. Sylvia- you’ve showed me the light. Sylvia-you’re sweet. Sylvia- you’re intelligent. Sylvia- you’re funny. Sylvia- you’re hot! Sylvia- you’re all that a man could ask for. Sylvia- you deserve only the best. Sylvia- I love you!

A girl like this comes once in your life guys. So when she comes… you better do everything possible to keep her with you forever. I decided that I wanted to marry Sylvia and I spent 2 weeks planning the perfect proposal.

Now you don’t know me too well. But if you did, then you would know that I’m thrifty (almost stingy actually!). One needs to be conscious of how much one spends (not around women of course!). I don’t make much and have to do with what I have. I used to balk at the way guys used to blow money on girls. But experience has taught me that when you are in a relationship your wallet is in the relationship too(and it better be loaded!).  

First of course I needed to purchase a ring. I’d done some research with friends and the consensus was that I should go in for a ‘diamond studded platinum ring’. This was supposed to be the ‘flavor’ of the season and a guy just ‘had to’ go for it.

It was kind of intimidating as well as embarrassing for me to walk in to a jewelry shop. A guy doesn't know what he can/can't afford to look at. It's awfully emabarrassing to ask for something that looks nice and then realize later that you can't afford it. I don’t remember buying a ring(or any sort of jewelery) ever before and had absolutely no expertise in the subject. The ring was going to be(or has to be!) a very expensive affair, of that there was no doubt. But, it’s a tradition-‘A guy always proposes with a ring’.

So I went in to the showroom and the sales-lady there greeted me with a fake-smile. I asked for diamond-platinum engagement rings and she showed me the whole collection.

“This is in the Rs 15,000/- to Rs 25,000 range”- she said.

Platinum looked like silver to me. In fact out of curiosity I took some silver ear-rings that were nearby and placed a ring beside it. You couldn’t tell the 2 were made from different metals (is there a conspiracy here?). Also the diamonds on the rings were very very tiny. This was going to cost me my month’s pay and I definitely deserved more.

I decided to ignore that it looked so much like silver and settled for a ring that had 4.660 g of Platinum and a single diamond- 0.095 carat (That doesn’t read like much but trust me- it is). It was a very pretty ring and I was very pleased with it. It cost me Rs 22,386/-. (I consoled myself saying-“Hell, it’s only this one time, it’s going to be worth it”)

This was my first expense for the event and I was a little hesitant at first. But once that ring was in my pocket it was like the dam had been breached. I went on a spending spree.

I didn’t want to compromise on anything and wanted it to be the perfect proposal. I was willing to do anything to get her to say “yes”.

Now I had to choose the right place to propose. After considering many places I finally settled on Bella Ciao- An Italian restaurant. I’d never taken her there before (too expensive!). It was by the beach and from the terrace you had this amazing view of the sea. Sylvia loved Italian food and so the place was a perfect choice. I’d arranged for a corner table and a private waiter for the night, and also arranged for the band to play her favorite music (Elton John, Lionel Ritchie and George Michael).

I bought Sylvia a very sexy black dress from an up-market boutique. This was going to be my present to her on the big night. I went and bought myself an expensive suit piece, shirt, tie and also a pair of shoes.

The day before the big day I went to a posh saloon and got myself a hair-cut, a facial, a manicure and a massage. I went to the florists on the day of the big date and ordered a huge bouquet to be delivered at the restaurant.

I’d exceeded the credit limit on my card and was now paying from my savings. This relationship had placed considerable strain on my financial resources- past, present and future. Well, like they say- “a man has to be generous in love”.

Finally, I hired a Merc E-Series taxi for the night. The driver came complete with white uniform, cap and gloves. Yes, this was going to be ‘the night’.

The taxi picked me up from my place and we went to her apartment. I went up there with a box of chocolates, a small bouquet and the dress gift-wrapped. She opened the door and was visibly surprised with the whole get up. I gave her the gifts and told her that we were going out ‘somewhere special’ and that I wanted her to wear that particular dress. She hugged me and went in to change. She took forever to get ready and I was sure we were going to miss our reservation. But when she came out looking like a billion dollars I was smiling.

We went to the restaurant. All the waiters were extremely courteous to us (no doubt expecting a huge tip at the end of the night). The flowers adorned our table. Our personal waiter adjusted our chairs for us and placed napkins on our laps. He also enquired after ‘the Madame’ and went about suggesting things from the menu and setting things up. A bottle of champagne came to our table in an ice-bucket. The band was playing ‘Hello’- by Lionel Ritchie. Everything was going perfectly according to plan.

We went about our meal very quietly making only the occasional small-talk. This was slightly unnatural. Maybe she was too surprised by everything. She hadn’t the slightest inkling of what was happening and maybe there was a sense of nervousness, I suppose, about what to expect next.

I decided to propose after dessert. So once our ‘Panetonne’ was over I whispered in the waiter’s ear to get the band to stop playing.  Lot of attention was turned to us because the waiters kept looking our way anxiously. I could have done without the attention, but you don’t always get what you want. In a way all the attention made it even more ‘romantic’.

So I took the ring from my pocket got down on one knee and said,

“Sweetheart… I know these lines are corny. But this is the best I could come up with.”

I cleared my throat and started-

“The moment I met you,

I knew my dreams could come true.

You’ve turned my life for ever,

And I want to return the favour.

I want to be beside you for life,

So will you please agree to be my wife!”

There were tears in her eyes. I took out the ring and placed it on her finger. She looked at me and she was still crying. She was crying harder and harder and then I realized that something was going wrong. This was not the ‘happy- crying’. This was the ‘sad-crying’ and my heart began to fall.

She kept saying –“Oh God! Oh God!”, and continued with her sobbing. It was quiet a scene there. Our waiter looked visibly upset. The band decided to move on and started playing some songs again. In the meanwhile, I was trying to calm her down and get some clue as to what was happening.

I caught her shoulders and said- “Darling, please stop! Tell me what is happening”.

She looked at me and she was almost choking. This wasn’t anything like I had envisaged. This was crazy.

I said- “Darling I know you’re Catholic and I’m Hindu. It doesn’t matter, we’ll find a way. I’m sure my folks will understand and even if they don’t, don’t worry. I love you. We’ll find a way.”

She kept crying. This was really crazy.

“Darling if you want we’ll go and meet your folks in Mauritius you know. I’ll tell them I love you. We’ll try and convince them. We’ll settle all the family issues. Don’t worry. We’ll handle everything”.

It didn’t stop.

“Darling, any, any problem I will solve. Baby I’m sure I can. I’ll do anything for you love. You know that.”

She went on and on. I was getting a little frustrated. It was already very embarrassing.

“Darling- is it that you don’t love me? Can you please stop crying and give me an answer. I think I deserve an answer”.

In between heavy sobs she looked at me and said- “I’ve lied to you”.

“About what? Are you already married?”

“No Ash, I’m not normal.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I mean I can’t bare children.”

This was a big jolt to me. All along I had dreams of a little Ashwin and a little Sylvia that would complete our small family. So when she said this a small portion of my world collapsed.

“Why can’t you bare children? Is it a medical problem? Can it be corrected?”

“No, it can’t be corrected.”

“Look, we’ll find a way. We’ll adopt maybe and...”

She cut me mid-sentence and said-“you don’t understand Ashwin. I was not born a woman. I was born Sylvester. I had a sex-change operation and that’s how I’ve become Sylvia.”