from my heart

Hi,

I don’t know if I can call you my boo or my bum anymore. I don’t know what state our relationship is any more. I don’t know if we have a relationship anymore. It drives me nuts. But fucking hell it’s the bloody truth.

It’s not that I don’t look at other women anymore. I still do. I masturbate twice a day and it’s a different woman every time. I flirt with girls I come across. But you’re still in my head. When I hug my pillow I still like to feel it’s your body that I’m hugging.

Life’s tough. I’m figuring it out the hard way. I’m working in a new company now. I’m now a pucca stock broker. The company I work for is crazy. As in totally disorganized, totally dysfucntional. I know I should be working in a better company but I don’t know when the opportunity will come.

I earn a pittance for a salary. It’s a lot better than I was earning 4 months back. Almost 50% more. But it’s still not enough. It’s crap really. It is.
But there are a few good things that have happened. I like my work. I love the markets and the whole investing/trading thing. I wish I could explain it to you. It’s not something that I could do in a letter/ mail. You know I’m a philosopher deep down. And the markets are kind of the place where it all comes together. All my crazy philosophies of life and existence. Everything finds expression in the market. The whole chaos and confusion and yet the victory in the end if you can use your brains. It’s brilliant. I know if I spend time with it I will excel in it.

I’m doing a course. CFP. I hope it’s my ticket to a better life. I’m not sure though. It’s still an obscure course. I’m sure you haven’t even heard about it. But it’s a good course and I’m learning a lot from it. That’s what’s important na? Not the degree itself. People in general are always after certificates. But for me it’s always been about the experience gained. I’ve done 2 papers so far out of 5. And I find I can already speak with more clarity to people about investments and taxation. Hopefully I’ll get better as I complete each module.

But it pains me that I’m not able to earn a salary that I should be getting. That people don’t respect my intellect and my capabilities. I know you’ll say to give myself time and see how things progress and all. But I’m getting frustrated and impatient. I don’t know.

All I dream about is making enough money to get a ticket to Delhi and come and see you. I don’t know how you will react. I hope you will come running in to my arms. I hope you will cry seeing me. I know it’s silly to want you to cry.

But there is still a lot of confusion in my mind. I don’t really know if I love you still. That’s the hopelessness of everything. I know you always sensed that in me. I always believed you deserved more. I was not sure if I could give it to you myself and that’s why the whole go after this guy and he’s a better guy and all that shit. I know it’s a complex.

I’m still figuring out myself. I’m staying on my own. Completely on my own with no one to report to. It’s a completely different feeling. Something that you will know I’ve yearned for a long time. It feels great to be able to finally experience it. But the other challenges that life presents are more over-whelming and I really haven’t been able to savour it the way I wanted.

Life is like that na.? You chase something really hard. And when you get it there is something else that you need to do.

But this experience has taught me a lot of things. I only had contempt for my parents but now I realize what efforts they took to raise me. Small things like seeing plenty of food on the table when I head back home give me such joy. It’s crazy.

Sometimes I feel like giving up. Like running away. Was reading this book about Akbar and I was wondering how stupid my life has been. I mean I’ve loved these guys- Akbar and all the other great historical characters and I’ve never even gone and seen what they’ve left behind. I havent’ been to Fatehpur Sikri. Or to Agra. For that matter I haven’t even been to that holiday paradise called “Goa”. What a stupid and mundane life I have led so far.

But it’s not all that bad also. I know. I’m living on my own and whatever I am today so far, whatever I have achieved is on my own. I hope someday I will make enough money to see these places. To go bungee jumping and sky diving and all those cool things they do in zindagi milegi na dobara and all those other movies. But I want to do it on my own. Not with anyone else paying for it.

It’s being stubborn I know. Sometimes I run out of patience and I say fuck it let’s just go do it. I know if I tell Dad I need some money he will transfer it to my account immediately. But so far I haven’t been able to do it.

Oh and most importantly I don’t know how you are. I don’t know if you’ve found another guy in your life. It will hurt me to know that you have. But if it is so I hope he’s a really nice guy. And also tell him to stay away from me because I don’t know I might just kill him. I don’t know if you are married/ engaged/ become a nun or whatever. I mean I have absolutely no clue how you are and it drives me nuts.
I’ve asked Jennifer, Iqbal, Madhu. I even contemplated asking a few guys I know here to call you and find out who you are. No one responds. I feel lost.

I don’t know how I can even reach this letter to you. You’ll probably never read it. I promised never to try and get in touch. It’s the most painful promise I’ve made so far. I just want you to know that.

Take care. Be good. Have fun. Be happy always.

Yours
AJith

Ps: I still carry that swiss-army knife you gave me everywhere.